Coolest Tasoni (II)

If you read my last post of the same title, you know that I was at one point dubbed by a member of the congregation "coolest tasoni." Although the idea of being the coolest tasoni is wonderful, it's not exactly the epithet I feel I should be striving for.I talked before about the advice I got early on this journey to be myself and ignore the role that 100 other people envision for me. That is, naturally, easier said than done. Self-definition is really a dilemma for me. I don't want to be the person that I choose; I want to be the person God intends me to be. Sometimes I'm not sure how to find that out.I feel so far away from the person I was at the start of this journey, the person that trusted God completely and made this decision in the confidence only God can afford. I felt so at peace and felt His hand so thoroughly at every step. Now I feel far from God, far from understanding His will in my life.I recently heard a lecture from a consecrated sister about how a person comes to choose a consecrated life. She said that when a person has been filled with God's love and has seen His immense blessings, he or she cannot help but devote the rest of this earthly life to sharing that love with others. Without a doubt, this is exactly what my husband and I felt at the beginning of this journey. God had nourished us and blessed and watered us with His love so completely that when He called, we answered joyfully. I was so happy to be reminded of that feeling, of the reason behind our decision to leave everything behind and start over, relying only on God's grace. It was God's blessing overflowing, pouring out, drenching our entire life, and changing the very nature of it.I don't want to be coolest. I want to be whatever God wants me to be. I want to be the quietest--the most "still." I want to be the one that hears God's voice loud and clear and obeys.  It's in stillness, in quiet with God that we discover ourselves. I am still discovering myself, but I know I am in exactly the right place to do that.