On a freezing cold November afternoon, when we were just two terrified kids, my now husband proposed to me under a giant moose-head over plates of southern-style hash browns and sliced tomatoes. Thus began the most incredibly blessed eight years of my life.
I have always known that I don’t deserve my husband. If you know him, you know that he is one of the most (insert positive adjective here) people on the planet. Especially if you knew him before he became Abouna (because people take for granted that Abounas should be awesome, but my husband was always awesome). My own family could not see how this marriage of opposites could possibly work out (WOW-man + Slightly-Off-Her-Rocker girl).
Recently, though, the devil has been playing this vicious game called “You’re an imposter. You’re not supposed to be here.” I didn’t realize it until I watched this video (esp. the last five minutes). I’ve been feeling like I’m not supposed to be here, I’m not good enough for my husband, not good enough to be a tasoni. How did I get here? What was God thinking? Talk about a toxic inner dialogue. What a great way for the devil to undermine my trust in God, my self-confidence, and my potential.
So I have been making my decisions based on this inner dialogue and based on the idea that I might be found out. For example, if they (the congregation?) get too close, they will see right through me. If I put myself out there and fail, they’ll know it too: I’m not supposed to be here.
But God’s watching. He’s listening in on this dialogue with the devil. Today He sent me a message through my father. Dad and I were talking about how God gave me the best husband. And the conversation took a weird turn. Dad said to me, “Do you know why God gave you the best? Because you asked for it.” Could it be that simple? Could it be that by God’s grace, though I am unworthy, my will aligned with His for long enough to give me such a treasure? That by being open to serving Him for the rest of my life, He gave me what I asked for?
No one sang axios over me, there was no decision that I was worthy, and yet here I am. The truth is that I am Tasoni. God put me here. And it’s time I fulfill my end of the bargain. As Amy Cuddy says, I can fake it till I become it. I can hustle till I’m over the hurdle. I’ll look back a few years from now and be grateful that on yet another November afternoon I chose to get started doing the job He allotted to me, despite feeling unworthy and unready, trusting in Him, yielding–with His help–to His will.