Tasoni Works the Room
I went to a party Sunday and worked the room like the pro that I am. While I'm addicted to my cell phone, working the room--that is, actually getting to know people--is far more fulfilling than looking at the same five posts in my newsfeed. So I turn on the Social Butterfly version of myself and make my rounds, and I am dangerously good at this.
My mantra is "No one cares about you." Shocking, right? It's the best tool I have to remind myself to stop talking about me, to really rein in all the "brilliant insights" I have and focus instead on listening to the person in front of me, on really figuring him or her out.
I love this mantra. I have never walked away from a conversation feeling happy if I did most of the talking. In fact, I feel empty. That's because if I watch the other person when I'm babbling on about myself, the boredom and discomfort is pretty obvious. But if I watch a person talking about his or herself, I see the eyes light up, the hands become animated, the small laugh of self-conscious joy. Seeing people happy really feeds my soul. So I remember that no one cares about me, and I am paid handsomely with trust and an enthusiastic friend and lots of good conversation.
I start on the fringes. It's intimidating (and often ineffective) to try to jump into an established conversation. And there are people standing alone, feeling alone all around the edges, if I just look out for them. Those are the people who need me. Those are the people who will be so relieved when I hop in and start talking. I know I've been there before: feeling increasingly isolated, the wallflower in me taking over and suffocating any hope of enjoying myself. By walking over with a big smile, a half-laugh and a question, I can make that person's day (or at least, ten to fifteen minutes!).
Courage, a question and a smile. That's really all it takes to start a conversation. There are some dummy questions/statements that work for everyone: So how long have you lived in... ; So how many kids do you have... ; So you work with so-and-so... ; Wow! Those shoes are awesome!; But to really make an impact, I try to craft a question that pertains to this specific person (before I even walk over). The best questions are the ones that show that I've been paying attention, that I actually care.
Turning on Social Butterfly Me can be painful. Sometimes I would rather hide. But, for me, a little pain on my part to make someone else feel special is a no-brainer. God already thinks this person is to. die. for. I only need to open my eyes and ears to figure out why.
(I should add that if you're on the receiving end of my "special treatment" you can quickly upgrade from average to extraordinary by pacing the conversation between talking about you and talking about me. What I mean is that in the end I'm human and I like to talk about me as much as the next person. If 90% of the conversation is about you, I have done my job and feel satisfied, but you can bet you haven't been added to any secret friend lists. If you have managed to help me steer a conversation about 60:40 you:me, I'll be looking reallly forward to talking to you again.)