QT with Fr.
Last week I filled my hours with social events. I went out to lunch, out to dinner, out to a movie. I had a great time. But it wasn't enough; it wasn't right.
Today on a walk I realized that I have been trying to cram as many people as I can into my new life, trying to satisfy the absence of quality time with my husband. But the truth is no one compares. I can meet and laugh with a hundred people for hours, but it can't hold a candle to five minutes of quiet smiles with Abouna. Just being in the same room as him makes the world a more welcoming and joyful place.
(I'm not saying I plan to be anti-social or that I didn't enjoy myself. I am saying that pretending that this time "counts" the same as being with Abouna--is worth as much--is nonsense.)
Once upon a time, my husband and I went out to social events. We stood next to each other holding drinks (non-alcoholic, of course) and hors d'oeuvres, making small talk. And then we'd race out of there as soon as we could, laughing at how much we'd rather just be together. I have been trying to pretend that I'm no longer that person. But I am.
I learned to love from my father. Passionate and messy and heart-on-my-sleeve. I've seen couples who grow old together only to fall out of love and just motor through the motions of daily life together. That's not me. I'm too determined* and too trusting in God to waste time letting that happen. God gave me someone to remind me daily how much He loves me. I'm not planning to squander that.
I spent 21 years praying for an epic love story. I have enjoyed eight years (and counting) of epic love story. I plan to enjoy all the rest to the same degree.
The moment I gave my life to God, He gave me my husband. Sometimes I think "If only I had met him earlier, so I could have loved him longer..." or "If only I had believed God's promises* and not made so many mistakes--and been so afraid--while waiting." Other times I wonder if I had to spend those years hoping, praying, and wishing to really appreciate what I have and hold it dear.
A marriage is the co-manifestation of the love of God here on earth. A husband and a wife work together to show each other daily God's grace in as many ways as they can in their weak humanity. I like to say "love = sacrifice," but that's not enough. Love is the sacrifice of God, the giving of His son for our salvation. In a marriage, we seek to honor that in tiny and seemingly meaningless ways... like who loads the dishwasher after guests leave or who makes the bed in the morning. But math is simple: 1 + 1 + 1 is not equal to zero. We won't get to infinity that way... But I'm pretty confident we'll get to eternity :).
Abouna likes to say that he's the Sam's Club sample; there are plenty like him over in the freezers. I don't know if I believe that. I hope so for the sake of all you unmarried (but-hope-to-be) people out there.
Pray for us.
*stubborn? You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to...
*God promises to make you happy even in this world (Ps. 27:13). That if you hold on to Him, He will give you fulfillment (Jeremiah 29:11). It may not be in the shape you imagine, but I'm telling you--He is faithful (Ps. 119:90). As your life goes through its various stages, He will take you through it, holding your hand all the while (Isaiah 41:10). God be with you always.